Ashes to ashes, we all fall down

April 15, 2014

twenty years ago a little gray and white kitten rescued me. I can't imagine my life without my favorite fur-baby. He has seen and heard it all. (Thank goodness he can't speak!)
He is the first and last sight of my day. There' a special bond that is created between fur-babies and humans. He has been through eight moves, laughs, tears, interesting relationships and the birth of a tiny human that has chased him around for the last 12.5 years.
They say animals choose their humans, I feel grateful Ashes chose me.

Happy 20th Birthday to my favorite Kitty Boy, Ashes.

April 20, 2014
Ashes, my beloved kitty boy of 20 years has passed away this morning. I am devastated, heartbroken, and completely beside myself with emptiness. 
Coming home to the same sweet face every day for two decades has brought me countless smiles, nights of warm purr filled snuggles and a ton of unforgettable memories. 
Losing a pet is hard, but in my case it's like I've lost my shadow. I can't imagine my days without him.

April 21, 2014
The last day and a half have been absolutely heart wrenching. I feel like my heart is gone and there's a pain filled wound that nothing or no one can fill, fix or remove. Every day for the last 20 years I've had one constant in my life, and He's gone. I have cried countless tears, sobbed uncontrollably and wished for the heartache to let up, even for a moment. It's been years since I've felt a loss of this caliber.  Losing my Grandma is the closest I can relate. 

Tonight is were it truly begins. As I lay here alone in my bed, His presence is greatly missed. Every tear that is shed, is purely selfish. I am in pain, but He is no longer. I know I am doing something right, it's just hard to see through the loss.

He was always the first lil face I'd see in the morning,  the first to greet me as I came in the door, and every night at bedtime he'd be right here with me, watching and waiting for me to get settled so he could too. Those big round kitty eyes always made everything better. I think that is why it hurts so much.  My comfort kitty is gone when I need him most.

There are difference magnitudes of sadness, and this, by far is the worst for me. I just want it to stop, I want to cover it up, tuck it away and never let it out again. It's too much, I don't know if I am strong enough to go through this. The pain is deep and indescribable, even I have reflected on these emotions and wondered... am I going to be okay? I am in bad shape! 

I've had to put his belongings away, I just can't look at them. It's going to be a long healing process. I hope my friends and family don't hate me through it. I am strong, but this has me completely broken.
I miss Ashes.