I don't belong here

Since I was a young girl I've been lied to.

I didn't always know this of course. This is something I came to realize over the years and it almost came in stages.  Perhaps it was me being naive.

I wrote a blog several years back 'Why People Lie'.  Today I sit here remembering all those feelings I had that day. Much different than today, maybe it is that I have grown up or simply grown tired.

When you ask someone a direct question often times you already know the answer.  You want them to be honest with you.  When they aren't it is so hard to look at them the same.  When it's backed with an attitude, or when they become defensive I  feel in the wrong for bringing it up.  If I felt in my heart I already knew, what difference would it have made what they said?  The disappointment is already there.  Now it's even more so because it's backed with a lie.

My family has lied to me about countless things. Relationships have been full of lies. 

When the dust settles and I am able to talk the same feedback is relayed they didn't want to disappoint me. 

I can't imagine anything more disappointing and hurtful than being lied to.



I don't want to live in a place where people hide things from me to 'protect' me, to keep me from knowing things that might hurt my feelings, from anything...period. 

If anyone needs to lie to me about anything, they are probably doing things they are ashamed of, or embarrassed about and shouldn't be involved with or doing in the first place.


Living life through rose-colored glasses can only take you so far. One day the stories start to sound 'funny' and when you ask questions, you're the crazy one. 


You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. 

TBI recovery

I go back and forth with my ability to stand social media these days. 
Some days it’s just too much.  I get angry with my friends when I see their opinions!  How sad is that?!
We are supposed to support each other, and it’s okay to see things differently.

My brain isn’t what it used to be.  Not sure if it ever will be.  With May being #mentalhealthmonth I thought I’d bring it in with some truthful moments I had with myself in regard to my TBI.

 I wasn’t always the kind of person who had an upbeat outlook and sunny disposition.  It took my many, many years to love who I was, where I came from, and to realize I was judging myself more than those around me.  Building confidence didn’t happen overnight, but I am so very grateful to all strong friends along the way who help define who I became. 
A few years ago that confidence was torn from me as a result of a traumatic brain injury.  There were many changes in me that I didn’t notice but you can bet those near and dear to me sure did. The usual happy-go-lucky fun gal was now full of conflict and argumentative. Everything has to be a discussion, or done my way. So much anxiety!  I need more time to do things, to process information, and I get tired easily, too.  Maybe that’s old age J
One of the biggest challenges I am learning to adapt to is change, of any kind.  It could be something as simple as plans for the evening to a life-altering event.  For me, there is no difference. Unfortunately, I panic and I turn everything into a mess leaving the people involved wondering if I am on drugs, or if I need to be. 
I remember with this all happened, I kept saying I wonder when the girl I used to know is coming back.  I’d cry because I didn’t feel like myself, and yet I’d look in the mirror…there I was staring back feeling empty inside.
Today, I am feeling more like myself than ever but I am learning those who are close to me are still seeing something very different than I am.   I am trying.  I am. 
This new me has different needs than the old one, if you knew me before I need help. 
Every part of my life has been impacted from memory, social skills, ability to retain information, patience, I can go on. 

I know a few of you have taken my distance or my lack of friendliness personal, I am sorry. 
I am sorry to those I hurt while trying to repair myself. 

Keeping a strong mental health outlook has always been a front-runner with me.  I can honestly say I never knew depression until 2014, and it’s something I wish on no one.

Wishing you all enough.  Be kind to yourself <3 nbsp="" span="">

Childhood

Why I disappeared. An open letter to all the girls I never text back.

I read this today and it took me back to a place, or a person that I wish could have done the same.
It was SO on point, and maybe it wasn't the case at all, but I felt like at least there was a reason, and to this guys defense, at least he was in his early 20's pulling this.

In my early 20s I pulled a number of disappearing acts.

I was that guy—the one who’d take you on a few dates, kiss you goodnight and then, against the advice of my mates, text you an hour later telling you that I’d had a great time. I’d answer your calls and reply to your texts, right away.

But then, one day, without warning, I’d vanish, never to be seen again.

This is what I should have told you. Maybe it would have given you some closure and allowed you to move on a little quicker. I know it’s too little too late, but still, you deserve an explanation, so here it is.

Dear Frustrated,

These are the things I wasn’t brave enough to say to you, even in text.

I didn’t lose my phone, or your number or track of time. I can assure you there is no message mysteriously stuck in my outbox, just waiting to be sent. There was no family emergency and I’m not just “working through some stuff” right now. I am not too busy at work, or out of credit and I have good service.

I have made the regrettable, yet conscious decision not to text you anymore.

I have all but convinced myself that being open and honest would only hurt your feelings, even though I know it’s a lie. I know that what I’m doing is not fair, but right now, my fear is stronger than my guilt.I never set out to hurt you, but suddenly, I can see no other ending to this story.

You aren’t imagining things.

There was a time when things were good, even great. We did connect. I did really like you.

The smiles, the jokes, the intimate moments—they were all real.

But then, something happened that made me realize we’re not quite compatible.

I wish I could tell you that it’s not your fault—that there’s nothing you could have done differently—that the problem really isn’t you.

The problem is that I believe we want different things. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but in my mind, we see the world through different glasses, we speak a different language and we live in different futures.

And while I may be able to make you happy right now, I realize that I won’t be able to make you happy in the long run.

I know you must think I’m an a**hole for what I’m doing—that I’m stonewalling you because I don’t care about your feelings. In truth, I’m simply scared. My emotions make me so uncomfortable, that when I try to express myself, my words get tangled.

I am worried that if I attempt to tell you how I feel, I will accidentally say the wrong thing and offend you. If only I was willing to endure that one, slightly awkward conversation, I’d save you months of frustration.

Instead, I have chosen to withdraw.

I will lock up my feelings, as I always do and pretend they don’t matter. I will ignore my guilt and tell myself, this is for the best. 

I know it’s too late, but, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for putting my own emotional welfare ahead of yours.

I’m sorry for dragging you behind me while I try to make my cowardly escape.

I’m sorry for making you feel like you’re going crazy.

And finally, I’m sorry for ever giving you a reason to doubt yourself.

The way I have tried to deal with this situation is proof that you deserve better.

You deserve someone who is willing to say the wrong thing, to have the awkward, necessary conversations.

You deserve someone who isn’t afraid of their emotions, who is willing to be vulnerable and share themselves completely.

More than anything, you deserve to be happy. And while no one person can ever give that to you, you deserve someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to help you find your happiness within.I never set out to hurt you, but suddenly, I can see no other ending to this story.

You aren’t imagining things.

There was a time when things were good, even great. We did connect. I did really like you.

The smiles, the jokes, the intimate moments—they were all real.

But then, something happened that made me realize we’re not quite compatible.

I wish I could tell you that it’s not your fault—that there’s nothing you could have done differently—that the problem really isn’t you.

The problem is that I believe we want different things. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but in my mind, we see the world through different glasses, we speak a different language and we live in different futures.

And while I may be able to make you happy right now, I realize that I won’t be able to make you happy in the long run.

I know you must think I’m an a**hole for what I’m doing—that I’m stonewalling you because I don’t care about your feelings. In truth, I’m simply scared. My emotions make me so uncomfortable, that when I try to express myself, my words get tangled.

I am worried that if I attempt to tell you how I feel, I will accidentally say the wrong thing and offend you. If only I was willing to endure that one, slightly awkward conversation, I’d save you months of frustration.

Instead, I have chosen to withdraw.

I will lock up my feelings, as I always do and pretend they don’t matter. I will ignore my guilt and tell myself, this is for the best. 

I know it’s too late, but, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for putting my own emotional welfare ahead of yours.

I’m sorry for dragging you behind me while I try to make my cowardly escape.

I’m sorry for making you feel like you’re going crazy.

And finally, I’m sorry for ever giving you a reason to doubt yourself.

The way I have tried to deal with this situation is proof that you deserve better.

You deserve someone who is willing to say the wrong thing, to have the awkward, necessary conversations.

You deserve someone who isn’t afraid of their emotions, who is willing to be vulnerable and share themselves completely.

More than anything, you deserve to be happy. And while no one person can ever give that to you, you deserve someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to help you find your happiness within.  I never set out to hurt you, but suddenly, I can see no other ending to this story.

You aren’t imagining things.

There was a time when things were good, even great. We did connect. I did really like you.

The smiles, the jokes, the intimate moments—they were all real.

But then, something happened that made me realize we’re not quite compatible.

I wish I could tell you that it’s not your fault—that there’s nothing you could have done differently—that the problem really isn’t you.

The problem is that I believe we want different things. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but in my mind, we see the world through different glasses, we speak a different language and we live in different futures.

And while I may be able to make you happy right now, I realize that I won’t be able to make you happy in the long run.

I know you must think I’m an a**hole for what I’m doing—that I’m stonewalling you because I don’t care about your feelings. In truth, I’m simply scared. My emotions make me so uncomfortable, that when I try to express myself, my words get tangled.

I am worried that if I attempt to tell you how I feel, I will accidentally say the wrong thing and offend you. If only I was willing to endure that one, slightly awkward conversation, I’d save you months of frustration.

Instead, I have chosen to withdraw.

I will lock up my feelings, as I always do and pretend they don’t matter. I will ignore my guilt and tell myself, this is for the best. 

 I know it’s too late, but, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for putting my own emotional welfare ahead of yours.

I’m sorry for dragging you behind me while I try to make my cowardly escape.

I’m sorry for making you feel like you’re going crazy.

And finally, I’m sorry for ever giving you a reason to doubt yourself.

The way I have tried to deal with this situation is proof that you deserve better.

You deserve someone who is willing to say the wrong thing, to have the awkward, necessary conversations.

You deserve someone who isn’t afraid of their emotions, who is willing to be vulnerable and share themselves completely.

More than anything, you deserve to be happy. And while no one person can ever give that to you, you deserve someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to help you find your happiness within.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/why-i-disappeared-an-open-letter-to-the-girls-i-never-texted-back/

ignore her, she'll go away

Tuesday, October, 13, 2014

Today wasn't unlike any other other day, really. I suppose the reality is far more harsh than others.

After receiving the news yesterday my physical therapy had come to a stand still until my vision and or balance improved, I think the tones for the week  had been set. Today was my third trip to my new chiropractor,  while I think he is knowledgeable and could help me a lot it just isn't feasible for me to receive the treatment I need. Three times a week, driving myself, copays, that's a lot to ask of me right now. I took the paperwork home to mull it over, if anything to entertain the idea of  being well and thoughts of possibility going back to a job one day.

Nothing in my life seems very fulfilling these days. I have no schedule, because I can't leave the house, and when I "get" to it seems like it's for the store to get prescriptions or another appointment,  and as grand as it sounds... it's really not.

Having your family tell you how horrible you look, how thin you are doesn't do anything positive, even when 100 other people say you're doing so great!
Well, shit, I guess what's what happens when you spend the last 5 months on drugs, keeping crazy hours of sleep, not eating,  and not leaving the house much.   Oh, no, that's me! I'm the one I was decribing. They have no idea  their words alone cause more damage than they are worth.

There doesn't seem to be an end to this injury. I am barely hanging on. I'm not as strong as I used to be, because I've been to busy fighting for everbody else for so long.
I can't keep asking and being pushed away.
I just won't ask anymore.

I think I'm alone now, doesn't seem to be anyone around.

     Today was an especially rough day for me, no good reason why, it just was. I've dealing with excessing tingling,  pins and needles type sensation up and down both arms all week and hasnt let up. Unfortunately,  my last dose of medication was tonight and the pharmacy is running behind.  So that put me into a bit of a tail spin. I am stretching the medication out, I really should have taken it all as one dose this morning, but I stretched it out all day.

     I have reached out via text, email, Facebook,  and not just once asking for help. We got SO much help the first two weeks it was wonderful, I cant tell you how overwhelmed, loved, and blessed we both felt.   August 27 was the last meal we received, but a friend brought tomatoes from her garden and bread she baked so that was a wonderful treat.

    I was desperate for a ride to the store, a friend said let me know when you want to go, I have my availability... I guess he just never had time.

So, I ventured out to take care of it myself. I picked up Gracelyn and off to the store we went with a certificate I was sent from a dear friend from out of state. Quick trip around the store aand the certificate didnt scan. After 1.5 hours of them trying to figure it out....user error. I felt like I was going to have a melt down in 42.7 seconds. Scrambling for my purse looking for my meds thinking oh my gosh please  dont do this now. Not now! He finally figures it out and we are out the store.  I am not even out of the store and tears are rolling down my face. I had to get in the car. Gracelyn loads up, I made 3 calls,  none of which answer.
At that moment, I realize, I am absolutely,  100% alone in this world. If something happens to me, there is nowhere for my daughter to go. There is nobody to call, and even if they did  all, would they answer,  would they care, do they care, maybe theor lack of involvement speaks for itself.  What if that 911 call was real? Then how would you be treat me? Or maybe thats just it, you wouldnt treat me any other way. Another reminder,  I am alone.

Everyone acts concerned, until it's too late. And then it's I meant to get up there, I was supposed to see her. You never know the magnitude  of need when someone says " I need  to see you,  please". Stop being so busy because you never know when you might not have another chance. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

While being a tiny bit in self thought,  my heart is bleeding my dear friend Matthew  who lost a great friend to suicide. RIP dear friend.

Am I missing something?

The last six months have been extremely hard on me, and hard on those who are close to me.  I felt like I was supportive in the ways I was supposed to be, and believed my support would be returned on the same volume. But some how I did something to change everything and now eveything I'd been hoping would happen for five years just ended and I never saw it coming. I still don't know what to do or how to believe it's not just a break. He really wants nothing to do with me. I'm trying to find a word that is bigger and deeper and heart break,  it's pain, and just emptiness.


To add, I've got to pull it together enough to get myself to these doctor appointments. Most of these appointments I can't remember what happened yesterday much less in May, so guess who goes with? Ugh it's so comforting to have him there, and relaxing but as soon as he's gone I am a mess all over again.

I have a meal request out asking friends to bring us food a couple times a week, but I dont know why. I barely eat as it is. I am terribly sad,  I feel distressed,  confused, and honestly I don't feel like I was given an explaination as to why this happened.

I am a great woman, I may have things about me that make someone feel uncomfortable but I wouldn't know unless I was told.
And, He has issues, as ALL of us do,  but I love him more than all of all the shoes, kitties, and pretty dresses in the world.


Don't be scared,  just try.

Dude, where's my car? :-(

The issues from the car accident are wearing me down. I am exhausted every day. It is appointment after appointment,  and don't forget your xrays, and that doctor is booked...sorry!

Today I had such a horrible headache,  I wanted to put my head in a vice and slowly apply pressure because for some crazy reason it actually makes it feel better.
I experienced a decent case of vertigo and very shaky body at the end, so we called it a day.

I headed down the elevator, out the front  door and headed into the parking lot to find my car. I searched the lot  for about ten minutes and then wondered; did someone drive me here? No, I definitely drove myself. So my search continued.  Another ten minutes, and I started to panic. I decided to click my remote at each car as I walked by. As I approached a tiny little white car, it unlocks,  and the lights flickers. I was so confused for a few brief moments. I had been looking for a little silver Ford Focus, not a white Ford Fiesta.
For whatever reason, I forgot I had a new car. I got inside and cried. I felt so silly, how does that happen?!

I've also been waking up in the middle of the night calling out to my daughter,  but instead of saying her name, I say my sisters. Some childhood abuse has been coming back up with eating restrictions and other emotional damage.  It's possible my pain is being caused by brain damage, I hope the neuro psychologist can fix me. I hurt daily, I am tired of being in pain, I want the vertigo to stop, I have started stuttering,  slurring and jumbling words, I have a hard time spelling.  I feel "dumb" this is absolutely traumatic,  and worst of all, until recently, I feel like I have been going through it alone. I have a couple people I've been able to count on but the rest either didnt have time, didn't understand or I guess just didnt want to get involved.

I am one of the strongest, most independent,  happy, and selfless people I know, and this incident is breaking me down.  I've seen and felt emotions in me I had no idea even existed. I have seen myself do things for others I shouldn't have been doing. I hope when this is all said and done, I am still all of those wonderful things, and I still have all the good people who fought through the hard times with me.

There's something to be said about loyalty.  I am a lot of things, mostly good, and loyal is definitely one of them. Do what you say, and say what you do.

Wants, needs, and gets.

Wants, needs and gets


I find myself going back the same scenario.Searching for things yet to be discovered.Seems as if thats the one thing that is never ending.

You spend your days searching. For what, is the question that lingers on day to day, week to year.

Just when you think you have found something you've been in search of the wind picks up like a midwestern tornado and knocks you square on your ass.Reality...Check please!

Sifting through the remains of all that is dear to me. I call it the hard shell that encases the one thing thats never been given. Not to be taken, shared or captured.

If I did give/share I am putting myself out there and the chance of disappointment is sure to be there.

I'm in this situation that I want to be in, yet I have days that all I want to do is be completely unattached from it too.

I'm feeling frustration. I need to feel like I am getting what I need. I tried to share my thoughts. Tried to walk away. He assured me he would open up and communicate and things would change.

Maybe its me looking for that instant gratification.

I want and I need, but what do I get...


I want to be adored I need affection

I want to feel appreciated I need kisses

I want to be swept away I need hugs

I want butterflies I need honesty

I want closeness I need intimacy

I want to listen I need to be heard

I want fun I need answers


I get hurt feelings

I get some kisses

I get some hugs


I'm left wondering
I'm left feeling strung along
I'm left while he doing something more important than me

Ashes to ashes, we all fall down

April 15, 2014

twenty years ago a little gray and white kitten rescued me. I can't imagine my life without my favorite fur-baby. He has seen and heard it all. (Thank goodness he can't speak!)
He is the first and last sight of my day. There' a special bond that is created between fur-babies and humans. He has been through eight moves, laughs, tears, interesting relationships and the birth of a tiny human that has chased him around for the last 12.5 years.
They say animals choose their humans, I feel grateful Ashes chose me.

Happy 20th Birthday to my favorite Kitty Boy, Ashes.

April 20, 2014
Ashes, my beloved kitty boy of 20 years has passed away this morning. I am devastated, heartbroken, and completely beside myself with emptiness. 
Coming home to the same sweet face every day for two decades has brought me countless smiles, nights of warm purr filled snuggles and a ton of unforgettable memories. 
Losing a pet is hard, but in my case it's like I've lost my shadow. I can't imagine my days without him.

April 21, 2014
The last day and a half have been absolutely heart wrenching. I feel like my heart is gone and there's a pain filled wound that nothing or no one can fill, fix or remove. Every day for the last 20 years I've had one constant in my life, and He's gone. I have cried countless tears, sobbed uncontrollably and wished for the heartache to let up, even for a moment. It's been years since I've felt a loss of this caliber.  Losing my Grandma is the closest I can relate. 

Tonight is were it truly begins. As I lay here alone in my bed, His presence is greatly missed. Every tear that is shed, is purely selfish. I am in pain, but He is no longer. I know I am doing something right, it's just hard to see through the loss.

He was always the first lil face I'd see in the morning,  the first to greet me as I came in the door, and every night at bedtime he'd be right here with me, watching and waiting for me to get settled so he could too. Those big round kitty eyes always made everything better. I think that is why it hurts so much.  My comfort kitty is gone when I need him most.

There are difference magnitudes of sadness, and this, by far is the worst for me. I just want it to stop, I want to cover it up, tuck it away and never let it out again. It's too much, I don't know if I am strong enough to go through this. The pain is deep and indescribable, even I have reflected on these emotions and wondered... am I going to be okay? I am in bad shape! 

I've had to put his belongings away, I just can't look at them. It's going to be a long healing process. I hope my friends and family don't hate me through it. I am strong, but this has me completely broken.
I miss Ashes.

 

Eleven Things To Remember

1.You never really know how much the people around you are hurting. You could be standing next to someone who is completely broken inside and you wouldn’t even know it. So never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have. And remember that there are two ways to spread light in this world: You can either be a flame of hope, or a mirror that reflects it. Be one of the two every chance you get. Read The Four Agreements.

2.The most important trip you will likely take in life is meeting others half way. You will achieve far more by working with people, rather than against them. Giving someone else a voice, and showing them that their ideas matter, will have a long-lasting, positive impact on the both of you.

3.Relationships don’t create happiness, they reflect it. Happiness is an inside job. Relationships are simply the mirrors of your happiness; they reflect it and help you celebrate it. They are mirrors because they are a perfect reflection of your thoughts and beliefs. To reflect means to encourage you when you feel weak and challenge you when you feel strong, thereby returning you to your center. And to celebrate is to share the natural ease and joy of living from your center – of living in the now with clarity.

4.Compassion comes back around. The son who tends to his chronically ill mother, ignoring his own exhaustion; the neighbor who gives a helping hand, even as his own needs go unanswered; the one who donates a couple dollars to someone in need, even if she has to break her last five dollar bill to do it. Maybe you don’t hear the names of these unsung heroes in the news, but surely the universe hears their names and treats them accordingly.

5.Timing is everything. There is a time for silence, a time to let go and allow your friends to launch themselves into their own destiny, and a time to cheer for their victories, or help them pick up the pieces, when it’s all over. Read The Friendship Factor.

6.Actions are the loudest form of communication. What you do speaks so loud that others will have a hard time hearing what you say. So practice what you preach or don’t preach at all – walk the talk. And remember that there is often a major gap between what someone says and what they do. Characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words.

7.A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If a person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make them leave.

8.People are more what they keep silent than what they say. Pay attention to their quiet gestures. If you cannot understand someone’s silence, you will have a hard time understanding their words. Read The Definitive Book of Body Language.

9.What others say and do is often based entirely on their own self-reflection. When you have people speaking to you who are angry and upset, and you nevertheless remain very present and continue to treat them with kindness and respect, you place yourself in a position of great power. You become a means for the situation to be graciously diffused and healed. A Zen teacher once said, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out; and then act as though it never happened.” Allowing people to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness. This is possible when we realize that people behave in such ways because they are in a place of great suffering. People react to their own thoughts and feelings and their behavior often has nothing directly to do with you.

10.Sincerity is giving without expectation. Good character and true friendship is all about how a person nurtures another person who is vulnerable and can give nothing in return. So when you have been through tough times and come out the other side, look around you. The people still standing beside you are your true friends.

11.Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people aren’t meant to stay in your life. Some people are just passing through to bring you something – perhaps a lesson you need to learn, or memory that makes you smile years later. When the time comes, it’s okay to let go and move on with your life.

She's still there

It never fails, no matter what is going on in my life good bad or otherwise I slip into a downward spiral anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 days before it hits me. Then I realize what's actually going on.

September is by far the worse month  for the last 13 years. I continuously ask myself when the pain of her being gone will subside. As I sit and write my eyes full of tears and pain filled heart, the emptiness never fades yet I grow to accept she's never coming back.

There are days when I question so many things about myself, my life, my choices and most of all my parenting. I wish she was here just to pat me on the back or tell me where I am screwing up, when I need to let a little control go and just let life happen. She was the force that drove me to do better, to try harder to be more.

In a strange kind of way, Gracelyn has taken over that part of my Grandma's role in my life. I just wish she was here so I can hug her just one last time.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

September is my least favorite month.

When I was a child September meant school was starting. I, like many other children loathe the thought of summer ending and school begins.

Now that I'm older September holds a different feeling for me. It is the month my life honestly changed forever. My Grandma was called to heaven. I tell myself every year...don't worry, next year it will get easier, and some days it does but as the days move closer to the anniversary of her death I find myself withdrawing from daily activities and looking for that safe and alone comfort place.

When she died I felt the only person who had ever protected me is gone. Now what? Who is going to make sure I'm okay? Who is going to tell me everything will be alright?

I had GMC almost two years after my grandma passed and I feel like I have a piece of her living inside me helping me protect my daughter like she had always done for me. The strangest thing is when I hear Gracelyn say something if do something I could swear my grandma was behind. It is comforting to witness her presence in my life especially when I am missing her so much.

Tonight I'm praying for strength to get me through the next two weeks because they are by far the toughest.  I miss her more on the hard days but I know she's right there guiding me toward a better day.

Family Blues

What a great weekend and much needed time off. With 4 days all to myself I feel like I put my time to good use and those I spent it with needed it just as much as I did. Life's not about the people who act true to your face. It's about the people who remain true behind your back. The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs. Sometimes it takes once or twice to get that message across. I will put myself out there but when there's no reciprocation I wonder what kind of friend am I reaching out to. I learned sometimes I expect more from others because I would be willing to do that much more for them. Here's to no expectations, if you want to have goodness in your life, it has to start with you.


I finally did something this weekend I have been meaning to do for many months, and I am glad I did. I went to visit my cousin at San Quentin. What an experience to say the least. It was nothing what I expected. As I exited the freeway and followed the signs for the facility I drove down a narrow road with homes, families etc which I thought was strange but it took away from the reality of where I was going. Once I approached the gate I saw a young boy standing near the "visitor parking" lot and it started to get real for me. As I pulled through and parked my car I saw many more families walking up to visitor processing. I was very nervous to see my cousin and the whole feel of San Quentin in general. Let me tell you, it is nothing like you see in the movies. The guest processing building was dirty with food wrappers and papers laying about the floor. This made me sad because the people who left them there are folks just like me. I approached the line to process and there were a few others there conversing about their week etc. I assume they are regulars here. They were very helping in cluing me in for what to expect. When I entered the room I must have looked like a deer in the headlights because the correctional officer asked if it was my first visit. I gave her my ID and my cousin’s state number. She gave me a print out with his name and photo on it. I purchased two photo ducats so I would have a picture and so would he. After I passed through the metal detectors and I was on my way down the sidewalk to the visiting hall. The grounds of the facility are filled with buildings and my goodness the view is amazing. I guess if you had to be in prison this would be the place to be, aesthetically speaking of course.


I approached a metal gate and the next CO let me in. He took my ID and sent me into the visiting hall. As I walked down the hall I passed small white cages with men inside, I don't know what kind of visiting they had but those little cages were enough to make me feel claustrophobic and I wasn't even in there. I had to give the paper print out to the CO at the booth so he could call for my cousin. As I waited for him I looked around at all the men in blue with their visitors. There was a kid’s area with a television, books and games. There were a lot of families which was so nice to see. Regardless of what these men have done it was comforting to witness the smiles on their faces. It felt like I was sitting there forever, but it was probably closer to 30 minutes when finally I see my cousin appear. It had been close to a year since I had seen him. The smile on his face was indescribable I thought I was going to cry but I kept it together :) We were able to visit for about 4 or so hours and not once was there air in the line. We talked about so many things from our family history, things in our pasts as individuals and what we were both looking forward to in the future. When he told me he had never been to the visiting hall I wanted to cry. He'd been there for almost 8 months and I was his first visit. It really made me see how many of us truly don't have anyone but the busy lives we get ourselves caught up in. If for that day I was his someone, I hope it made a difference for him. I know it did for me.

Reflecting

I am having a case of the 'lonelies' today, I think.
Honestly, since my Grandma passed nothing has been the same.
I got married to someone I didn't love, but I was blessed with someone I love more than life itself. I know I am a strong person, make fairly good choices for myself and GMC but something always seems to be missing. It's not friendships, relationships or anything like that.
It's that unconditional love and support that my grandmother gave me.
Some days it's so necessary to hear and know that I am doing a good job, that someone is proud of me and will continue to give me that love, support and guidance that I need no matter how old I get. She was everything to me. I used to think I was missing my purpose or maybe it was religion or belief based (the reason for me feeling empty inside) but it's not, it's her.
She's gone and nobody will ever be able to replace that part of my heart and soul that is gone. Some days are harder than others but the one thing that keeps me going is knowing what a beautiful bond we had and maybe one day GMC will feel about me the way I do for my Grandma.

Dear Grandma

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when i lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with eachother;for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Have you made your four agreements?

*1. Be Impeccable With Your Word*
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak
against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in
the direction of truth and love.

*2. Don't Take Anything Personally*
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection
of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions
and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

*3. Don't Make Assumptions*
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.
Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings,
sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely
transform your life.

*4. Always Do Your Best*
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different
when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do
your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

All day feel good, a blast from the past

Best feeling...and good for an all day smile
....Some days I have to stop and think about how my life would be different with out Gracelyn in it. Not a glimpse of a situation, a moment, a thought comes to mind.
On the daily she pushes my buttons, she works my reserve nerve and gets another coin in the swear cup which is now a 50 gallon bucket. Along with keeping even my sharp tongue in sheath, she's managed to find her own creative ways of expressing herself.
If you've had the pleasure of spending time with my sassy lil carbon copy you've surely witnessed some of her random acts. I recently received an email from Jeremy telling me about a skit on Mad TV, the character "Dot" and how her behavior reminded him of Gracelyn. I laughed watching it because it was on point. Gotta love that girl.
It's a daily task dodging the camera, she's gotten some pretty incriminating photos, that girl. She's actually quite good though! I said... maybe you want to be a photographer when you grow up?? HUUUUUU, No MOM! I am going to be a ZOO KEEPER! Gosh! I told you that! Remember!?!! Hmmm well you go girl! Right over the the San Francisco Zoo.... I hear they need a Zoo Keeper. And… take that lippy lip whicha! ( of course I don't actually say that. dang! )

Any way... I love that kid! She's the best. Wanna know how I know she loves me too??? She tells me :) As James reminded me this morning, she does appreciate me, and she says... "Mom you're pretty"
How can you not love hearing that every day?

Go Gracelyn! You rock!

Boundaries

"Once I have learned to set my boundaries, others may try to ignore them or accuse me of being selfish.

I know my boundaries have been crossed when I begin to feel uncomfortable inside, and I need to pay attention to this feeling. If others are used to relating to me in a certain way, and I'm changing, it usually means they have to change too.

They may resist this change, but I'm not here to make other people happy; I'm here to make myself happy. If I don't want to change my mind about a boundary I've set, I don't have to. Other people will have to learn to live with the "new me."

I recognize this new attitude as a sign that I'm getting stronger every day."

Why people lie

August 12, 2008 - Tuesday

Why people lie
Current mood: bummed

First entry.
I'm off to find this book, it was recommended by a long time/long distance contact.
Over the years I've learned to trust myself and my judgment. With that I found there are many people you can not take their word for anything. I've often wondered why that is. Isn't that one of the first things we are taught growing up? Don't lie? Not telling the whole truth is still a lie. I am not saying I have never, but I can say, the validity of ones word is far better than anything else I've heard.
Remember the days of "a (wo)man is only as good as their word" ? Where did those days go?
Stay tuned as I unfold this illness, because it seems that's what it really is.


9/29/08
So it's been over a month since my original entry. Still the answers aren't clear. I guess everyone stretches the truth to some degree from time to time. In the specific case that I wrote about before, I don't think I will ever understand how anyone could be in such a place, that they felt stretching the truth was the best option. If you tell the truth the first time, you won't have to worry bout remembering the stories you've told. You end up lying to cover lies. How can anyone sleep at night with that resting on their shoulders.

Never mind, I suppose you'd have to have a conscience or a couple of fast acting benzo's.


I do want to get the book that was recommended to me. If for no other reason, to cure my curiosity.


December 1, 2008
Laughing to myself... I don't care what people do, I really don't. The single thing I don't want is to be lied to. WHY lie???? You'll only be found out and when you are, you'll be mad, angry and try to make the other person feel bad for catching you.

If you just be true to yourself and everyone around you, harmony and peace will find you.
I'm starting to believe that lying is some sort of addiction for some people.
If you believe in yourself and like who you are and what standards you live by you'll find that lying is sooo ugly.

Quantum Leaper

June 24, 2008 - Tuesday

Quantum Leaper
Current mood: fascinated


'I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care where I've been.
I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out.
For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture.
The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire.
So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course.
I'll never know until I try.'
...And I leap

What is beneath?

A lot of people look but they don’t see properly what’s lying beneath the surface
Current mood: calm

For many years, my greatest enemy has been myself.
Every miscalculation, every stumble I made has been replayed again and again
Every broken promise, every day wasted, every goal not reached has compounded the disgust I feel for the lack of achievement in my life.
When I disappoint myself, I respond with inaction and become more disappointed.
A teardrop is insignificant in a pool of water, but it can touch the soul as it runs down someone’s face.
Oh life can be strange, good and bad in so many ways. In time you will find that things aren’t always what they seem.
As a child, I was afraid of the dark, as an adult I am afraid of the light, I am afraid to step out. I am afraid to become more.
And still it’s hard somehow to let go of my pain.
Will I always feel this way? So empty and so estranged?
Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing I have been the prisoner.
True strength comes from being able to hold it all together when no one would blame me for falling apart.
Sometimes life doesn’t give me all the answers I want because I think it wants to keep me from getting hurt.
So often I look at the other and compare myself to them and that’s when I see all the arrows in my heart...
All the hurt that I wish would vanish.
So someone would reach and love me.
Sometimes I let affection go unspoken and let my life go unexpressed, and sometimes I can’t find words to tell my feelings for the fear no one will understand.
So instead I turn silent.
There are a lot of things I don’t understand.
Why people have to lie or make promises they can’t keep.
I often feel like I have lost my way, it’s as if I am floating around waiting for life to make sense and point me in the right direction.
Will I always feel this way?
So empty....so estranged.
A lot of people look but they don’t properly see what’s lying beneath the surface.
There is a rawness and wonder to life.
The heart has it’s reasons which reason knows nothing of.
-unknown

Kill it!!

February 26, 2008 - Tuesday

Kill it!!!
Current mood: aggravated

In need of a hungry cat or a set of balls...

There is a mouse in my house.Gotta go pee and what did I see?
That effing mouse was staring at me!
Jumpin' and screamin' like a lil' girl
Freaked me out so bad, I wanted to hurl.
Broom in one hand, garbage can in the otherArmed and ready, I'm gonna get that lil mother...
Barricades up and lights downI see him, so furry and brown.
As I wipe some tears off on my sleeveI ask nicely.... please mouse won't you leave?
After two hours of begging and pleading
I've got to get to sleep or I'll be late for my morning meeting!
So off to GMC's room to share her little twin bed
That's what I get for making sure my cat stays fed.
Mouse-1 Miss D-0
HELP!!!!
I need to get that mouse!

hmmmm fiend

March 21, 2007 - Wednesday

Hmmm fiend

All I've been thinking bout today is a shower, a chew and a cold beer.

Yeah... all in one.

Ahhh damn.

Such is life.

Urine Scented Sheets

January 30, 2007 - Tuesday
Urine scented sheets
Current mood: rushed

So as I see it, if you are reading this you obviously have nothing better to do, you should be working or the obvious... just nosey lil bitches!

Whatever the case, sit back and hopefully you will be laughing because I sure as hell can't.
So I am frantically grabbing for my cell phone this morning at 8:45.
Dead sleep, hair stuck to the side of my face, prolly from the drool that crept from the corner of my lip during my comatose slumber.

I answer it…. HOLY SHIT! Brook?? (my co-worker)
What's up.?? Instantly I gain consciousness.

Gawd damn! HELLA late! FUUUUUCK! ( and not just once. I think I may have even sang it loud and proud a few times)
Keep in mind, I leave my house at 715 am daily.
Now, the time is 8:45 and I am a looking like a train wreck.
Fly my ass up outta bed. Gracelyn! Let's go! Get up. C'mon!!!
Hurry! Then I stop breathe in deep and say…
What the fuck?? Why am I wet? Why do I smell piss!??
Instantly I grab my crotch and sigh in relief, YES! It's not me! Then say, what the hell? Why is my shit wet! Gracelyn slept in her bed!
I go in her room she is laying on the floor on TOWELS!!! (Who does that!) Well apparently SHE does!
She had an accident in her bed then got in mine, decided she was gonna mark her territory there too.
First question, WHY did she NOT wake me up.... Answer: "mom! I unplugged your clock because if you woke up, I would have been in trouble!"Umm yeah, gotta give her some kind of credit there.
I am about to flip a friggin lid at this point, I don't yell at my daughter, but God as my witness, it was ON this morning.
So I managed to get her dressed and out the door in twenty minutes.
Get back home, gotta get myself de-pee'd and wash that nasty ass drool off my cheek.
I get all scoured off and out the door and at my desk in record time. 10:05 am.
Not bad for a girl that usually gets up at 5:30….Sleep over anyone?

She is there part 2

August 20, 2006 - Sunday
She is there part 2

Saturday August 19 marked another birthday for her, perhaps I should say would have been another. Seven years ago she left. Every day since I miss her more than any words could ever describe.

Some days are better than others. The "other" days I forget how to enjoy the memories and moments we shared. It's almost as if the emptiness of her being gone over takes all of the things I should be focusing on.

I can think of times that I said "please, just one more day with her" I didn't get to say goodbye. Those last days I kept saying " I'll be over in a few days" a few days turned into a week, which led to three.

It was so hard to see the woman that I once knew to be the strongest person alive shrivel to a helpless waif as the cancer basically ate her alive.

I can remember walking in the door and taking that breath of her house. A smile always crept from the corner of my lips... the comfort and ease sets in. Then I see her, sitting in her chair watching the game, cigarette in hand as she sipped her coffee. She'd be yelling "c'mon Canseco!"
She loved those A's.

All the years that I was blessed to share her time I never once thought I'd ever be without her. The thought never crossed my mind and still to this day, I keep thinking it's almost Friday. I wonder what we are going to do this weekend. I wonder what we are going to cook tonight. I bet she will want to go shopping tomorrow. Oh god, PLEASE don't let it be another eight hour shopping nightmare at Wal-Mart. ( WHO the heck shops at that place for a WHOLE day???) SHE does. Looking back I'd do it every Saturday for the rest of my life if it meant I got to see her again.

The things we that enter our minds when we reflect back on the events of our lives.
I guess daily I am reminded to not put off tomorrow what you can do today. Don't let a day go by without expressing your thoughts to those you care about. Don't let a day go by without making yourself happy.

Seems as though we get caught up in the immediate day to day hustle and forget about those around us that have helped who we are and where we are in our lives.
I can't express how my heart bleeds when I think about all the times I COULD have been there and "something" else seemed to pop up. The one bit of comfort is all the times we did share. All the nights of sitting at the table sharing stories of the weeks happenings.

Sometimes I think I can hear her call my name. Sometimes I take a breath and smell her perfume. Often I dream that she is still here. As long as I continue to hold her so close to my heart, she will never leave, she never really did.

Physical presence is only for the ones that can't let go and see it all as it really is.

She will always be there.


Happy Birthday Grandma.
I love you and miss you always.

Lizard Hunting 101

August 8, 2006 - Tuesday
Lizard Hunting 101
Current mood: rushed



What started out as a typical night at home turned into two grown bitches and one fearless five year old on a wild lizard hunt in our dining room and kitchen.

Jenah and I are getting dinner stuff ready, Gracelyns outside playing Polly Pockets when all the sudden I see something move out of the corner of my eye. I look again and before I can even say anything I turn into some babbling mute. There I stand jumping around like I won the friggin lottery shaking Jenahs arm AHhhh UUHHH!!! AHHHH!!! OMG OMG!!! AHHHH! All the while shes standing there shaking her legs mimicking my glorious lil jingle. aAAAAAHHH! Whhhaaa AHH WHAT!! WHAT!!!
About this time GMC comes running in, What is it Mom?? I look, It's a effing lizard. And not even a whole one at that. So the lil half tailed creature finds its way into the wine cage. GMC is down there trying her hardest to get Charlie ( oh yes, he now has a name) out of the self made jail. Finally, we get him out and you think it was that easy? HELL NO. The little fucker crawls under the refrigerator. So, now you know what has to happen. Yep! You guessed it! Out comes the broom and the step stool because heaven forbid it crawls across our feet.
After the refrigerator gets a twist, turn and shove... no Charlie in sight. Why you ask? Yep, again, escapes the wrath of the two of us. GMC is crying because Charlie has disappeared. Im trying to calm her down and Jenahs still playing Rambo with a broom.

After too many heebee jeebees I decide to get in on some lizard hunting myself. Into the laundry room I go. Broom in one hand as I climb on TOP of the dryer. Yes on top, digging behind the dryer like its gallon of rocky road ice cream during a monthly cycle.

Alas, Charlie is found! Slam the broom against the back of the dryer. Out the front he comes! There's Jenah, flower pot in hand and she smashes it against the wall OHHH Shit! I think I smashed him in half! ( hahahaha!! Ewwwww this is gonna be gross!)

Slowing pulling the flower pot (that now seems to be a double for a lizard casket) away from the wall, I hand her the dust pan so if the damn thing IS alive hes not getting away this time!

YES!!! Mission complete!

Out the door lil Charlie goes.

Everyone is happy. Gracelyn goes back out to play and the ding dong duo stand there, hearts in hand, still getting the willies saying eww eww!!! Ahhh grossss!


By the way,
Did you say you wanted to come for dinner?

I think I am in love... or obsessed

July 29, 2006 - Saturday

I think I am in love... or obsessed
Current mood: crushed

I've spent countless hours in the last few weeks. When I say countless I am saying over 40 hours searching for these eye catching, jaw dropping and not to mention smokin' hot shoes that I NEED.... I NEED THESE!
I saw them at my cousins wedding on his new brides feet. I thought to myself...Man! I could knock her out and jack her for those shoes! I want those!
Then thought, Deanna! Those won't fit you! (but I might cut my toes off if they'd fit then). I'm telling you. They are so rad even without toes they'd still make your feet look sexy. ( and who doesn't want sexy feet!)
So, I get the brand and style before the escape off to Hawaii for their honeymoon. I head home happy as a lark when much to my dismay the hunt begins. HOW is this happening! No shoe in site (first time google search has let me down, gee thanks!)
I call Coach, Off 5th, Saks, Macy's. I'm online searching... NOTHING! So finally I am crying to Joey about these shoes...I get back from lunch one day... He says "hey Bella, tell me about those shoes again?" I send him the discription.... I get an ebay link back... OMG OMG OMG.... OOOO MY GOD!! that's them! LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU I scream!! YAY!!! THEY ARE SOOOOOOO mine!!! YeS! and they are my size.
So, I decide to place my bid (new to the ebay word so bare with me)
I had to go to Monterey last weekend for work so I wasn't able to continue to watch the bidding on my own. I have Joey checking in. He does what he is able...then Chris gets a call from lovely ol' me.... CHRIS!!! make sure I'm the winner! I NEEEEED THOSE DAMN SHOES! I don't care! I will wear them to the effing grocery store with my pajama's no make-up, bed head and I will still look great. It's the shoes!
Yeah, yeah! Allllllll good in the ebay world! Bid's gonna close soon and I will be the winner! WOOHOO!!
I get a email to my phone... YOU ARE NOT HIGH BIDDER! That is the worst news EVER! And not to mention... 5 SECONDS after the bid closed! HOW THE EFFFF does THAT happen. How do you bid AFTER the bid closes? Man talk about wanting to throw a fit right there at work. Soooo sad. I really wanted to cry. ( what a baby! but dang! they were soooo cute!)
So I spent the next three days in bed with a box of kleenex and some bon-bons. (just kidding... gosh!) But seriously, I AM STILL ON THE HUNT!
My birthday is coming soon. That is my wish. I want those shoes.I just want them FOUND! I will buy my own shoes, but help me find them!!!
Oh' and ladies, If you do find them and decide you want to keep them for yourself... Beware, I WANT and NEED them! I will knock ya' down and take your shoes :)

Brand: COACHStyle: LORILEE

Happy Birthday, GMC

June 20, 2006 - Tuesday

Mind Melt Current mood: exhausted

Sing a lil happy birthday to GMC today. Yep, the lil fire cracker turned five. Holy Shit!!! She's five! Wow.....
Those were the thoughts I drove to work with today. The more and more they settled in the faster my heart was beating and that tiny cry lump had formed into a mound the size of a jawbreaker, or at least it felt as such.
Not only was today my little girlies birthday but the beginning of hell week at work. If youve been youll know what I mean when I say NASCAR
It must have been a combination of events that lead to my mini flat-line experience at the stop light.
I pull up to the light and the thoughts of someone actually trusting ME with a child still had me in disarray. I mean, seriously though, I have a kid! And shes five! I know it must sound like Ive completely lost my mind, and I have, but that was a while ago. BUT Im serious! Its weird. Shes a kid. Not a baby or a toddler. A real kid. (ok, you can get the white jacket anytime).
The only thing I remember is starting to zone off on the thoughts of the work week and how busy it gets. Then back to the whole kid thing.
Next thing I know, horns are honking and some jack ass next to me is yelling something out his window. I wasnt sure if I wanted to laugh or tell him to eat a dick.

Through out the day I kept thinking back to that moment. Once in a while I started to trip on it but realized, there are some things I have no control over. Getting worked up over it wouldnt really benefit me at all. So, I did what anyone else would have done, sipped on a bottle of whiskey until the next caller didnt seem quite so irritating. I am kidding of course. You all know I hate whiskey.

I guess these are the things we go through in life. I wouldnt trade the life I have for any other offering. Having Gracelyn in my life definitely has kept me in check and made me see there is more than what meets the eye. I have to admit, some times I feel like I want to pull my hair out with the comments or actions she comes at me with but at the same time, I look at her and say there you go. Get it! And dont let anyone get in your way.
I can see the passion in her. And anyone who has passion is alright with me.