She is there part 2

August 20, 2006 - Sunday
She is there part 2

Saturday August 19 marked another birthday for her, perhaps I should say would have been another. Seven years ago she left. Every day since I miss her more than any words could ever describe.

Some days are better than others. The "other" days I forget how to enjoy the memories and moments we shared. It's almost as if the emptiness of her being gone over takes all of the things I should be focusing on.

I can think of times that I said "please, just one more day with her" I didn't get to say goodbye. Those last days I kept saying " I'll be over in a few days" a few days turned into a week, which led to three.

It was so hard to see the woman that I once knew to be the strongest person alive shrivel to a helpless waif as the cancer basically ate her alive.

I can remember walking in the door and taking that breath of her house. A smile always crept from the corner of my lips... the comfort and ease sets in. Then I see her, sitting in her chair watching the game, cigarette in hand as she sipped her coffee. She'd be yelling "c'mon Canseco!"
She loved those A's.

All the years that I was blessed to share her time I never once thought I'd ever be without her. The thought never crossed my mind and still to this day, I keep thinking it's almost Friday. I wonder what we are going to do this weekend. I wonder what we are going to cook tonight. I bet she will want to go shopping tomorrow. Oh god, PLEASE don't let it be another eight hour shopping nightmare at Wal-Mart. ( WHO the heck shops at that place for a WHOLE day???) SHE does. Looking back I'd do it every Saturday for the rest of my life if it meant I got to see her again.

The things we that enter our minds when we reflect back on the events of our lives.
I guess daily I am reminded to not put off tomorrow what you can do today. Don't let a day go by without expressing your thoughts to those you care about. Don't let a day go by without making yourself happy.

Seems as though we get caught up in the immediate day to day hustle and forget about those around us that have helped who we are and where we are in our lives.
I can't express how my heart bleeds when I think about all the times I COULD have been there and "something" else seemed to pop up. The one bit of comfort is all the times we did share. All the nights of sitting at the table sharing stories of the weeks happenings.

Sometimes I think I can hear her call my name. Sometimes I take a breath and smell her perfume. Often I dream that she is still here. As long as I continue to hold her so close to my heart, she will never leave, she never really did.

Physical presence is only for the ones that can't let go and see it all as it really is.

She will always be there.


Happy Birthday Grandma.
I love you and miss you always.